My Name is Paan

This was written some time ago, but may still make interesting reading.

My  Name Is Paan (MNIP)

The two idiots Farukh Khan(FK) and Taran Joker (TJ) are watching the preview of their forthcoming release MNIP.

“Shit! It’s a lemon. It’s a dud. It’s a big effing flop.” Taran is fuming. “Who told you and that girl Pagol to ham so much? “

“But you always ask us to ham  on your TV show –Toffee with Taran(TWIT). So now we have forgotten how to act naturally. “ FK.

You forgot it long ago, after you made ‘Kabhi Ga Kabhi Na.’

“Ok ok.” Farukh says... “no point in finger pointing.  How do we avert the disaster? This time the distributors will surely kill me. I barely escaped their suparis after the near fiasco of ‘Pub me banadi Phodi’”.

Taran laughed. “I knew this was going to be a difficult movie to sell. I have already talked with our friend Udao Thokle who has agreed to boycott the movie and create a big controversy provided you open your  trap wide enough to put your foot into it”.

FK – “ That’s easy.  But how do we release our movie if Udao boycotts it”?

Taran – “I have thought of that. Our young CM Alok Wahan has promised to take stern action if Udao calls for a boycott. He will stop Udao from stopping our release”.

FK – “ But Alok has never acted in his life. How will he act decisively this time”?

Taran- “Don’t worry i have thought of that too. I have asked prince Rajul Thandi to light a fire under Alok’s chair so that he jumps up and does the needful. Rajul will also tell him that Narayan Kane and Gilasrao are waiting for Alok to make only one wrong move so that they can stake their claims for  the hot seat.”

“my god, Taran, you are really a genius. How come it never shows in your movies”?

“Shut up. Does your stupidity show in your movies”?

“OK OK Taran. But how do we still sell the goddamn movie? What about the critics”?

“Oh. That part is simple. The Trade Pundit is already enjoying a five star holiday in the Bahamas after filing his five star review of MNIP. The other reviewers will give us at least three stars out of politeness which is enough for a good opening”.

“You seem to have sewn up the Indian market but what about the overseas markets”?

Taran – “The usual tamasha yaar. You and Pagol brush up your chemistry and go on a world tour. Remember to use only three sentences. My name is Paan, I am an Indian and I want to meet the US president. The Europeans will think you are Amir or Sallu and throng the multiplexes, the NRIs will think this is about India and flock to the DVD parlours and the Americans will be curious to see the idiot who wants to meet the president whom no American wants to meet any more”.

FK – “that’s gr8 Taran. But tell me wont the moviegoers realise that this movie is a half star pile of dung”?

“They will. Of course. But by then, we would have smashed all the BO records of ‘3idiots’.  Then if somebody cribs we shall claim that the people have not really understood our movie properly like our  last lemon ‘Kabhi Phaluda Na Kehna’. Also, I have already purchased two awards for you. You only have to not only dance at the functions but also host the whole shows and keep the public amused”.

FK – “that’s easy . i will keep hinting at our real relationship, mock Shahid, Salman and Saif and shovel dirt on the Bachpan family who will thank me secretly for the free publicity.

Ok. Now that everything is tied up, call that buffoon Phoney Lever. Tell him to bring some fresh jokes. He can accompany us to the swiss bank. I want to laugh all the way.